Older, See it Face to Face

I wish I had stopped long enough to write something every day, but the whole experience was just overwhelming on every level. The schedule was insane. I woke up at 4 o'clock every morning to break down my camp, dress, repack my bags, and load them on the gear truck. Then I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, stood in breakfast line, generally took my breakfast to eat in line at the Butt Clinic (yes) OR did 15 minutes of yoga with this hilarious instructor that was all "Namaste, bitches!", geared up, and got on the road by 7. I generally returned in the evening, set up camp, signed my name up in Sports Medicine or Chiro, grabbed my dinner, returned my dinner to line where I ate while waiting, got an adjustment or whatever, showered, rolled out my muscles, and went to bed BY 10. The nights where I didn't need or didn't get to the line in time for an adjustment I spent in the food tents watching the "Nightly News" - which consisted of reports on accidents that had happened that day, a general run down of the route to be biked tomorrow, and very heartening stories of the people the AIDS foundations serve or families who are working/riding the ride and why.

( Here is the td:lr brain dump of my week... )

I have lots and lots of other thoughts that have come up as a result of this experience, but just wanted to get the details down. Hopefully I'll be able to write a much shorter, boiled down summary of my feels and what's come out of the meditation from doing a super positive, 545 mile charity bike ride. In the meantime, I'm just so impressed with my body. I worked really hard for this, for 6 months. Probably harder than I've ever worked on anything. The training was all-in. I don't think it will be quite as intense to do it all again. My body knows what it can do now, and I've built lots of muscle memory up in this process. Plus, I've already spent the money on biking gear (though, if I do it all again, I'm totally getting a different saddle so I can stay out of the butt clinic). In the meantime, I'll be signing up for lots of century rides and just really embracing being a cyclist. What began as a happy-go-lucky roll around Berkeley has become an all-encompassing community hobby and I am so much happier as a result of this development.

I started training for the AidsLifecycle ride at the beginning of the month. It's a 545 mile ride to LA from SF that raises a heap of money for Aids foundations in San Francisco and Los Angeles.

I've been awash in all sorts of emotions about what this cause means to me since I signed up in December. We are the first generation who grew up with the threat of Aids. I remember the passionate arguments about it on Oprah. I remember arguments about it in school, which led to a massive movement towards education. I think of a whole generation of beautiful men who suffered as a result of the mystery and systemic shame that surrounded this horrible disease in the early days. Now? I think of all the folks who don't have any of the privilege necessary to deal with all the crazy red tape and paperwork it must take to even have access to medication if you are uninsured. I think of the people who feel as if they don't have access to testing, much less education.

It's a cause I believe in, and I hope my friends will help me in my goal.

If you'd like to help (in ANY way), the link to my page is here.

xoxoxoxoxooo

We are back in Berkeley after a lovely trip out east.

I was totally seduced by Richmond. That place gets me, every time. A front porch for everyone! Great friends! Great food! Proximity to my family (close, but not too close). Only 100 easy miles away from Katie! AND I could have what is essentially my dream house for somewhere in the 400k neighborhood.

But, friends, it is hot there. And while it would be a great career move for ME (I could essentially make the same amount of money there as I would here, while living on about 60% of the income), it would not be a career move in the least for my husband. Plus, everyone smokes actual cigarettes, which kills the air all around you.

But still, all the benefits are food for thought. I am submerged for at least 15 minutes a day in the swells of East Bay house porn. Here, my dream home costs about 850k, which firmly requires both of us to work as hard as possible so that we can afford the life we have and hopefully retire someday. But the food is delicious and super affordable. And the air smells like flowers, 90% of the year. And, of course, there are about a million other reasons to be in love with this place over a place like RVA. Walking Niko to his school this morning reminded me of all the lovliness... a beautiful day with zero humidity, like most every day here, year round.

Anyhow. House porn. I have a problem. I guess I just feel as if, when we buy a house, wherever it is (probably in the east bay), I'm pretty much not leaving. I want to build out a garden and work on it for years. I want to know a house's very bones. I want to know (and fix) every creaky floor board. I want to watch trees grow and grow. I want to know every neighbor's drama and dog. I want to set up house and never, ever leave. I want this moving around to just plain stop.

***

In sad news, I found out while we were away that Sopor has cancer, and that it's in her lymph system. I take her today to get her stitches out (I had a bunch of the cancer removed before I knew what it was). I'm excited to let her hang around outside again, for her last days. She seems to be feeling fine after what was a rough recovery. I've never taken a pet in for surgery before, and it was ugly. I'll be happy to throw the cone away and be done with it. I just want to enjoy her and make her happy for the time she has left. She's been the best cat for me, and I'm super sad to think that she won't be with us for much longer. In fact, I don't want to write about it any more.

***

In happier news, Niko's birthday is the day after tomorrow and I am starting to feel super excited about planning it. He has requested pancakes for breakfast, an extended school day (I guess he wants to bask in the glow of his friends knowing it's his birthday), and strawberry rhubarb crisp for dinner. We are buying him binoculars. And maybe a kid's bird watching book?

I don't know what I'm doing for the party yet. I need ideas. I'm so travel weary and just want to do something small, which I'm sure will feel large enough to him, anyhow. He has requested chocolate balls instead of cake, based on a gluten free mostly dates and nuts recipe that a friend made in RVA. Berkeley kid wants gluten free, vegan, chocolate balls instead of cake! And he told me this morning that we sure need to eat extra vegetables this week because we didn't eat that many while on vacation. Sure, kid, no problem. I love it!

This kid, you guys. He's so deep, but so silly. The other day he pointed at my frown lines and asked why I had them. I told him that they were wrinkles from squinting a lot in the sun. He got suddenly upset and said, "DON'T SAY THAT! DON'T say they are wrinkles!" I asked him what was so wrong with wrinkles and he said - "Wrinkles mean that you are old, and when you are old you will die. Then we won't be together."

I shit you not. This is our kid. He told us just yesterday, "I am lonely in my life." Apparently he wants another kid in the yard, but does not want a brother or sister because then he would have to share his room and, besides, babies pull hair and he wouldn't want to share toys with someone who pulls hair because that is not nice. I told him that his friend Alycah (full name: Alycah Zam, which her parents thought was hilarious until the first loud playground reprimand of ALYCAHZAM!! made all the parents stare- so funny) lived close by, but he says she's too far. 3 blocks is apparently too far! In any case, they are our new family to loooove and we have been spending lots of quality time together. I am getting happier and happier here as I build my Berkeley community.

I felt like there was an outside chance I was pregnant this month, and was so bummed when I got my period. What does that mean? I don't know. I waffle on this second kid business like no one I know. But then, I waffle about everything. And thus the frown lines. Seriously. I want a second kid! But I'm so wary of actually doing it because, geez, the first kid almost killed me and I have such an unease about the indentured servitude of motherhood (yes, there, I said it). With Niko being 3.5, it's so much easier, and so fun. Do I really want to go down the rabbit hole again? The thing is that if I don't go down that rabbit hole, I feel like I'll have a lot of regrets at the end of my life. It's such an conundrum. And I know it'll be easier with the second because I'm not a beginner parent any more. I understand so much more now the impermanence of it all. But I know that it'll also have many moments I feel like I won't make it through. And I feel so very protective of my sleep. There is still one hormonal week a month that I don't get much sleep, and I'm not a great person on little sleep.

Anyhow, I've talked about all that boring stuff before.

I could tell you about Thanksgiving. It was amazing! I cooked with a mama friend of mine in preparation the day before and it really saved my ass, plus it was so joyful. The night before the holiday, I got a bit high and decked out the table. As a result of these solid preparations, I hosted the prettiest and best tasting Thanksgiving I've hosted yet (third time is the charm, I guess). It was honestly perfect and super fun. There were 6 adults and 3 kids, and another mom came by with her son for desert, which is really the perfect amount of people to have over. I had everyone come with their list of things to be thankful for (one for every year of life), and there was such a solid representation of goodwill and thanks in this house. I will always thank the Goldbergs for sharing that tradition with us last year. We will keep to it for every Thanksgiving meal! It was grand!

In the days that followed, we had a ton of visitors over. Katie was here for the 2 weekends after. And even between those weekends, it's just been this wonderful wash of spirt making in the house. So much wine. So much food. I was definitely burning the candle at both ends though, and ultimately getting pretty grumpy until I told Buster last weekend that we were NOT hosting and definitely relaxing. That was a solid idea. This weekend we will also take it easy and prepare for the crazy of Christmas.

And after Christmas? I'm getting foot surgery. Fucking terrifying, you guys.

I was expecting a client an hour ago and she never showed, so let's thank her for giving me time to write this entry! Now I have to go and puck a dude up from preschool, which is one of my favorite times of the day.

The twitter holiday party is tonight. Whatever will I wear? Oh geez. I usually have this stuff planned out far ahead of time. Oh well.

My son. I have so very much to say right now but really just feel like talking about my lovely son.



I'll put it behind a cut. It is long and meandering!

( Read more... )

I've just dropped Mr. Crane off for his second official day at preschool (the first was a week and a half ago, right before spring break happened). As I left, he was helping one of his teachers put caterpillars in new chrysalis into the butterfly station. He was so stoked!!! I am so relieved to have him there. Trips to Little Farm, the Children's Museum, the Farmers Market, and parks I do. Lots of bike trips I do. Planting stuff in the garden I do. Caterpillars? Turtles? Kids yoga? Music class? I don't do that! He is going to have so much fun!

And now I'm sitting here, sipping tea and gearing up for a few hours of work on 750words.com. I am so stoked to have time to work on the site without having it dig into my time with Buster in the evenings. We have been working too much on week nights and some weeks barely know each other, adult conversation wise. I need this preschool time for my day job.

I also need to:
Make this week's meal plan
Go grocery shopping
Supervise a furniture delivery and Craigslist pickup
Clean the kitchen
Make dinner (for the most part)
Do an hour of yoga (that can wait until nap time, which happens after I pick the guy up)

In the space of 4 hours. Which means that I shouldn't be tic tapping away personal matters, but my head feels a little cloudy. I feel as if I never get much of anything personal down.

So where to start? Work is going well. The site is having pretty good times, and I think it can continue to grow slowly and that I can keep up. Plus I've opened my kitchen salon, which is fun and awesome. People come over, I cut their hair and get adult time, and then I make money. Best job, ever! The house is really well situated for it - super big kitchen with a door, so Buster and Niko can be in the living room and no one feels intruded upon. Plus having people over all the time means that I make an extra effort to make everything clean and pleasant, which pays off well during family times.

I have lately been feeling a lot of feels for Seattle. Missing it pretty hardcore, even while still missing NYC and the east coast in general. I am stoked to be flying east for Alice and Harry's wedding in a few weeks! Seeing my family will be a wonderful thing, too.

But Seattle!! Can we talk about Seattle? I miss hipsters, you guys. I miss being surrounded by poorish, mostly white people who have ridiculous style, wear your granddad's clothes, and look incredible. They have style that always inspired me, professionally and otherwise. And the bay area has maybe 4 hipsters that actually look fantastic. Seriously. And don't tell me to go to the mission. I've been there. Those kids are... not very hip. I HAVE seen a few kids with incredible hair in Oakland at Art Murmer, all black kids who have more hip hop in their little finger than I have in my whole body. Love them. But where are the tattooed bartenders with the big glasses? Where are the girls who are rocking ridiculous vintage that is a way early prediction of what the biggest fashions will be, 2 years down the line?

At first I thought it was the money. The bay area is expensive, right? But NYC is hella expensive, too, and that place has ridiculous kids everywhere you turn. Then, I met a woman who works in the restaurant industry and hails from Portland and Seattle. She asked me how I was digging things as we sat in an idyllic park while our kiddos displayed perfect behavior and had a ball. I said, "Man, this weather is incredible. I don't think I'll ever be able to leave the birds, bikes and breeze. And everyone is so flipping nice!! BUT! My PNW sister!? WHERE ARE THE HIPSTERS?" She was cracking up, "I know, right?! I miss it! They don't work in kitchens here. It's all Mexicans who work work for less, or rich kids who will work for FREE for a year (!!!!) at places like Chez Panisse just to have alumni status on their resume." Then, Buster brought up that NYC has a pretty wide breadth of employment while the bay mostly attracts folks in tech, who are a completely different kid of hip. Anyhow, I find it very fun to think about how a work culture, money, and market creates or suppresses a sub-culture.

Now I'm thinking of slipping out to art murmer more, and maybe hitting a car show? Because I have seen a few Mexican kids around (dudes, mostly) who have KILLER barbered haircuts. And that might be where I will be needing to pull inspiration when I'm not traveling to visit NYC and Seattle. I need my inspiration!

I am feeling self conscious writing all of this down, I realize these are all disjointed thoughts and I have so many friends in social sciences who could talk about this with eloquence (please comment!) but it's my job to look at the kids and be inspired!! Love the kids. Forever and always. Especially Millennials, it seems. Though I'm sure that whatever generation is behind them will also be awesome because kids are always awesome.

That is all. I really need to get plugging!

Good Morning!

It's finally happening. I am surrounded by boxes and am strangely not stressed. At all.

I imagine this is because the stress will come later, as I try to cajole my way into a tight renters mareket in a city where I know next to no one. As I try to wrap my head around why I would ever want to leave the stability and sense of community that Seattle has provided for us. As I start over, again.

I start over all the time, you guys. On a dime, usually. I mean, there might be a few days of waffling, but mostly I'm game for anything, all the time. My therapist recently told me that if something happens 3 times or more, the problem is me. We were, of course, talking about something entirely more personal, but I've been thinking a lot since about how life keeps leading me to live in all these different cities and about how that is obviously something I have obviously chosen to do, time and again. If I ever complain about how life has led me on a meandering path that has left me feeling uprooted, please refer me to myself as the 'problem'.

And the fact is that I get bored when things I expect to happen are happening. So here we Bensons go!

Niko is taking it all remarkably in stride. It's kind of amazing. Even Sopor is being a sport about residing in the basement bathroom of some kind neighbors until we take her on the road. Though I did just get a phone call about how her head got stuck between the wall and the washing machine. Poor Sopor. I hope they both continue to roll with it during the crazy drive down to San Francisco. Because that's how I roll into new cities. On wheels. We could have easily had the car shipped down there and followed in a plane... But I like to roll into a new city after being on the road in contemplation.

And, anyway, it's not like we will never be back in Seattle again. It's a pretty short plane ride and Niko needs to come back from time to time to hang out with his toddler friends. He has become so close with his little drooly pants crew. Lord knows how I'll be able to replicate the camaraderie that I have those families, but change always seems impossible when you're looking at it head on. When I was 20, I was absolutely determined that being a wife and a mother was slavery. And while that's not entirely untrue (!), it's also something I entirely welcomed 10 years later. When I was a new mom, I never thought I'd be comfortable hanging out on the playground and chatting up other moms and now I'm making playground friends all the time... Or, well, I would be if it weren't so damn cold and foggy right now. So point is that I'm having a hard time imagining how I will morph into a Bay Area Mom with Bay Area Mom Buds, but I know I will. Because I must, and because I am lucky in areas like this, anyhow.

We have had the most glorious week of goodbyes, you guys. I have felt so much love and support from our friends here. It has been overwhelming and beautiful. Our Bon Voyage party was the best party of 2013 thus far, I am sure. I almost made it through without crying but, of course, the Vain crew got me. Truly, I do not know how I will ever possibly replicate the awesomeness of the Vain crue and clients. And so I cried, which I don't do because heaven forbid anyone see me as less than powerful. But then I did. So the gig was up for 5 minutes until I ran to the bathroom to save my eye makeup.

I will close with a funny Niko moving story:

Two days ago, I went over my own personal moving schedule with Niko while he had dinner. I wanted him to understand what I was doing every day, and why he was in daycare all week. When I got to friday on the schedule, I said, "Friday, you are going to go to Jenny's and the people are going to come and pack up our Choo House (Niko's name for our place, of course). He screamed NO I DON'T WANT THEM TO PACK UP MY CHOO HOUSE. I explained that the house needed to be packed up so that our stuff could be shipped to San Francisco. So he says Oh in a totally nonchalant manner (related: the fact that toddlers can go from SCREAMING to nonchalant in a split second is ZOMG). Then he asks me to read the schedule again.

I read the schedule 4 more times. Every time I get to Friday, he screams NO I DON'T WANT THEM TO PACK UP MY CHOO HOUSE!! And I repeat my explanation. Then he asks me to read it again. Finally, the last time I read the schedule, I ask him - And what happens on Friday? - and he wails - THEY ARE TAKING AWAY MY TRAINS!!!!! I said, dude? is that what this is about? and he weeps into my shoulder - uh huh mama they are packing my trains. And so I say - hey how about I put your trains in the car with us? So they can be with us always? - and he lights up like a little firecracker and is all - oh! yes!

And now he checks the care all the time to make sure they are in there. In April it will be a full year of TRAINSTRAINSTRAINS and it shows no sign of stopping. I love it.

A thought:

The working class girl in me believes that people have the best conversations while they are in motion. This explains the ease of a client in a good hairdresser's chair. This also explains why so many folks prefer to congregate in kitchens.

Also:

I am not feeling well lately. I feel a sense of physical malaise that makes me think that something is wrong. But my skin is clear, I have no fever, shakes, chills, etc. I haven't been drinking at all, to try and combat it, and I am making sure to have a diet full of all the right things (plus coffee). But still my muscles ache and feel like bricks. The last time I felt something like this was when I developed mastitis... but I don't have any chance of that happening right now, and my whole feeling is a little bit different from that, anyhow.

What does one do when one feels unwell, but has no signs of being unwell other than muscle ache and malaise? This has been going on up and down for almost a week.

I have this problem with stress when things don't go my way. I really need to work on it, but am not quite sure how to let go. If something is on my schedule, I want it to happen on time. I guess it's a modern times conundrum and a common one at that.

Anyhow, today Niko and I got into a sort of argument. I was super amped to take him out on a sushi date at the mall and before having him pick out a brand new pair of shoes. We talked about it several times and he seemed stoked, too. (Backstory! I bought him shoes online and he refuses to wear them, but needs new shoes- so I thought that maybe if I got him to choose the shoes himself it would be all good.)

He was kind of a grumpy pants at sushi, which can be par for the course after he spends the day in daycare. I think he just gets tuckered out from being the best kid on the block at daycare! Anyone who watches my kid talks endlessly about how good and how chill he is and this is not quite the dude we see at home so I know that he's just saving his tears for the people he feels comfortable around. But he still seemed stoked to look at new shoes - so we went.

But once we were at the store he was a NO NEW DON'T LIKE IT monster. So we went for a walk and he was a NO WALK DON'T LIKE IT monster. I asked him if he wanted to go home and he was a NO GO HOME DON'T LIKE IT monster and he plopped himself down on the ground. I walked a few paces away from him and we had a staring standoff for 5 minutes while I took some deep breaths.

When I felt my NONE OF THIS IS PART OF MY PLAN rage subside, I walked over to him and sat down. I said - Niko. I'm feeling really frustrated. I was excited to try on new shoes and go for a walk. You are using your mean words and it makes me feel frustrated.

He touched my cheek and said very seriously - Happy, mama. Happy.

I said - You want mama to be happy?

He nodded yes and asked - Hug?

And really, who needs to spend money on new shoes when you can instead have a huge hug on the floor of the stupid yuppie mall?

Keep on hugging, y'all. It helps with scheduling conflicts and more.