Ebb and Flow

[kellianne]

It's taken me nearly three years, but I can finally feel myself easing into the waxing and waning of phases in a young lad's life.

The most recent weeks here at the Benson house have been a new special version of incredibly annoying. Niko is exploring all sorts of ownership concepts. Which means that there have been LOTS of arguments because when ever I say one thing, he naturally wants the opposite. Sometimes I can be patient with all his dilly dallying (shoot, that's one reason I'm happy to be staying at home right now. I got no friends and no where to go, so whatever!), but other times we actually do have things to do. A house still needs to be run and all that. Food needs to happen. Naps need to happen. Hell, going to the park to run him down needs to happen, too. FUN needs to happen! So it's hard to always be patient when the dilly dallying is strictly because he is going through some crazy brain development that is making him a total jerk.

During this most recent pain in the neck phase, I finally managed to keep my temper in check (this is not easy for a kellianne). Every day that ended, I took special pride. Another day when I didn't submit to assholery and become an asshole myself! But it was exhausting, let me tell you, to negotiate my way through 1538584378 conflicts a day. I just kept telling myself IT'S A PHASE IT'S A PHASE IT'S A PHASE HE WILL BE SO MUCH SMARTER WHEN THE TRANSFORMATION IS FINISHED!!

AND FINALLY!! Yesterday he woke up literally dancing and demanding a party. So we danced and partied, all day, and it was awesome. Suddenly he is speaking more clearly and acting so much more polite and empathic. We had a sitter over last night (the same sitter that he HATED 3 weeks ago) and he was pleased to see her. When she asked if he needed a bath, I said, "Well Niko, you haven't had any accidents today and you have had a bath for the past several nights, so I guess you can skip it!" and dude responded, "OH! Thank you for saying that mama! Thank you for saying I don't need a bath tonight!" and kissed me! What? So polite and sweet.

And this morning? More of the same. A perfect 2 hours long play date with no sharing issues AFTER a 45 minute bike ride that included 2 errands while he sat, perfectly chill, in his chariot. The other mom and I sat at the park and talked like adults the whole time while our sons played perfectly. Bliss. If every day were like this I would have a whole pack of kids!

I just want to put thanks out to the universe that that last phase (whatever it was) is over. I also want to enjoy this moment, because the tide will change again one day and I will again have to rein in my temper and tell myself it's just temporary.

Phew. You guys! Parenting is a weird and hard test on everything good I ever thought of myself before having a baby. Patience! Temper! Who knew the practice could be so consuming?

Comments

[octavekitten.livejournal.com]

I really admire your ability to deal with this. I think one of the smaller reasons why I won't have children is because I just don't think I could deal with the bad phases like that. My patience just is not that great. I'm glad he's taken a turn for the better and come out of it.

[kellianne.livejournal.com]

Patience is a practice like anything else! I get better at it as time goes by. And, honestly, the magic that Niko brings to the family far outweighs the pain.

[alyssa-corinne.livejournal.com]

Oh how I can relate to this! Jude is in a serious jerk phase right now, mostly involving battles over getting dressed in the morning. Every morning starts with tears and they don't stop for 45 minutes, after which point he may or may not have his clothes on. It's just so hard! Some days I can keep my cool but other days not so much. This morning at daycare drop off, Jude was just sitting there looking sad, and Jason asked him what was wrong. "Mommy YELLED at me", he said. Oops. But seriously, he kind of deserved it.

I'm glad you've turned a corner on this latest stage!

[kellianne.livejournal.com]

My parents beat me and I turned out just fine.

[olamina.livejournal.com]

You give me so much hope and strength. Thank you for all your brutal honesty. I am in this mommy thing with my eyes wide open (and not just cause dude barely lets me sleep!)

[kellianne.livejournal.com]

Parenthood is awesome. Especially after your kid turns two! Hang in there!

[savia.livejournal.com]

Congrats on your little dude's progress! That is awesome.

[fisticuffs.livejournal.com]

Oh I feel your pain on the tests and phases. We are smack in the middle of insane tantrums around clothing and diaper changes. Some mornings I can do nothing else but throw up my hands and walk out of the room for a few. Some days, I'm the one crying. It's just such an intense morning and then it often doesn't end with the car seat/bike trailer installation either.

I guess I'm glad it's the weekend and we have no time sensitive plans so we can enjoy each others company for a few days.

[kellianne.livejournal.com]

We had those insane tantrums! They went on for months and then ended one way or another. I don't even know when.

I often tell Niko, "Mama needs some private time!" and walk away. Now he asks for private time, too. Golden.

[arielmeadow.livejournal.com]

Yay! Look! You posted! I love this.

God, it's always so nice when one of those phases passes... every time I hang out with a 12-18mo old, I realize that I've completely forgotten the toddling/wobbling godzilla smash/grab everything/can't talk about anything phase, and how much I appreciate that even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, at least my three-year-old and I are, oh, you know: speaking the same language at this point. That in itself is such a crazy shift, that I feel like I forget to appreciate just how nice it is not to be chasing around a raging id pulling shit off shelves and hitting his head on everything he walks past.

The patience, man. I have to remind myself constantly that my "job" as a parent is to be fucking patient. Not just with the dawdling (omg, the fucking dawdling! I love the sense of wonder at all things, but sometimes I need a dude to put his shoes without counting the fibers in the rug), but just with HIM. (And then I remind myself how impatient my parents must feel with ME sometimes. HA!)

Parenthood, man. HEADFUCK.

PS: Miss you.

[kellianne.livejournal.com]

I am finding that sometimes patience means me ignoring him and not letting him make me fret. Seriously. You are screaming at me because I made you a snack but won't carry you down the stairs so you can eat it? I'll wait down here with your delicious snack until you can be a nice guy.

[arielmeadow.livejournal.com]

Great point. It's easy to get so reactionary, and sometimes just sitting with it is the best approach.

[the-4pril.livejournal.com]

Aww. My heart melted a bit with "OH! Thank you for saying that mama! Thank you for saying I don't need a bath tonight!" Seriously?

PS, I miss you too. I can't wait to see you next month. Tickets are so cheap I thought about getting another and just getting away for a long weekend. This weekend has had some crazy spring moods going on and I'm feeling over it.

xoxo

[boobirdsfly.livejournal.com]

oh my god thank you for writing this!
i will try to remember it when my son becomes a little sociopath toddler.
we are still in the crazy ebbs and flows over here (barely 4 months)...

[shaxxon.livejournal.com]

If you need a night away, Russ and I are now here for friendship and all that :)

[kellianne.livejournal.com]

I am so excited!! We need to have you over for dinner soon. It's so gorgeous out here. I just had a conversation with a godly man who was talking about leaving berkeley to move to the country and be closer to god. I was like, "What? Berkeley IS the country!!!"