kellianne: (2009)
It's finally happening. I am surrounded by boxes and am strangely not stressed. At all.

I imagine this is because the stress will come later, as I try to cajole my way into a tight renters mareket in a city where I know next to no one. As I try to wrap my head around why I would ever want to leave the stability and sense of community that Seattle has provided for us. As I start over, again.

I start over all the time, you guys. On a dime, usually. I mean, there might be a few days of waffling, but mostly I'm game for anything, all the time. My therapist recently told me that if something happens 3 times or more, the problem is me. We were, of course, talking about something entirely more personal, but I've been thinking a lot since about how life keeps leading me to live in all these different cities and about how that is obviously something I have obviously chosen to do, time and again. If I ever complain about how life has led me on a meandering path that has left me feeling uprooted, please refer me to myself as the 'problem'.

And the fact is that I get bored when things I expect to happen are happening. So here we Bensons go!

Niko is taking it all remarkably in stride. It's kind of amazing. Even Sopor is being a sport about residing in the basement bathroom of some kind neighbors until we take her on the road. Though I did just get a phone call about how her head got stuck between the wall and the washing machine. Poor Sopor. I hope they both continue to roll with it during the crazy drive down to San Francisco. Because that's how I roll into new cities. On wheels. We could have easily had the car shipped down there and followed in a plane... But I like to roll into a new city after being on the road in contemplation.

And, anyway, it's not like we will never be back in Seattle again. It's a pretty short plane ride and Niko needs to come back from time to time to hang out with his toddler friends. He has become so close with his little drooly pants crew. Lord knows how I'll be able to replicate the camaraderie that I have those families, but change always seems impossible when you're looking at it head on. When I was 20, I was absolutely determined that being a wife and a mother was slavery. And while that's not entirely untrue (!), it's also something I entirely welcomed 10 years later. When I was a new mom, I never thought I'd be comfortable hanging out on the playground and chatting up other moms and now I'm making playground friends all the time... Or, well, I would be if it weren't so damn cold and foggy right now. So point is that I'm having a hard time imagining how I will morph into a Bay Area Mom with Bay Area Mom Buds, but I know I will. Because I must, and because I am lucky in areas like this, anyhow.

We have had the most glorious week of goodbyes, you guys. I have felt so much love and support from our friends here. It has been overwhelming and beautiful. Our Bon Voyage party was the best party of 2013 thus far, I am sure. I almost made it through without crying but, of course, the Vain crew got me. Truly, I do not know how I will ever possibly replicate the awesomeness of the Vain crue and clients. And so I cried, which I don't do because heaven forbid anyone see me as less than powerful. But then I did. So the gig was up for 5 minutes until I ran to the bathroom to save my eye makeup.

I will close with a funny Niko moving story:

Two days ago, I went over my own personal moving schedule with Niko while he had dinner. I wanted him to understand what I was doing every day, and why he was in daycare all week. When I got to friday on the schedule, I said, "Friday, you are going to go to Jenny's and the people are going to come and pack up our Choo House (Niko's name for our place, of course). He screamed NO I DON'T WANT THEM TO PACK UP MY CHOO HOUSE. I explained that the house needed to be packed up so that our stuff could be shipped to San Francisco. So he says Oh in a totally nonchalant manner (related: the fact that toddlers can go from SCREAMING to nonchalant in a split second is ZOMG). Then he asks me to read the schedule again.

I read the schedule 4 more times. Every time I get to Friday, he screams NO I DON'T WANT THEM TO PACK UP MY CHOO HOUSE!! And I repeat my explanation. Then he asks me to read it again. Finally, the last time I read the schedule, I ask him - And what happens on Friday? - and he wails - THEY ARE TAKING AWAY MY TRAINS!!!!! I said, dude? is that what this is about? and he weeps into my shoulder - uh huh mama they are packing my trains. And so I say - hey how about I put your trains in the car with us? So they can be with us always? - and he lights up like a little firecracker and is all - oh! yes!

And now he checks the care all the time to make sure they are in there. In April it will be a full year of TRAINSTRAINSTRAINS and it shows no sign of stopping. I love it.
kellianne: (2009)
Do y'all ever get a feeling of utter disconnection when something VERY BIG is about to change in your life, or is it just me?

It's like when you're engaged to be married, or in your 3rd trimester of pregnancy and everyone you see, even co-workers that you see several times a week, asks "OMG ARE YOU GETTING EXCITED????" every time they see you. And, if you're me, you're like, "Ummm...? Sure." Because it doesn't feel real that your life is about to change like crazy. Because you can't KNOW the UNKNOWN and wrap your little brain around all that change... so what is there to be excited about? When you are baffled?

I said to Buster the other day (in THERAPY), "I can't wait to move to San Francisco so you can stop telling me that I don't know anything about San Francisco!" Because, really, he is there once a week for days AND grew up in the (baffling) OC. He knows so much more of what we are about to get into than I do. All I can ascertain about this area of California (which I have never been able to spell without spell check) is the following:

- People REALLY like their cars there
- It is wicked expensive
+ Their food scene is the basis upon which all good, modern American cuisine sits
+ Big ass succulents
+ They sure do love their disco bleeps and bloops
+ Houses are mad colorful
+ Wine is mad good
- They like Green Day in Oakland
- Hippies
- Dirty bums who shit in the street
+ Produce is cheap and amazing
- Everybody talks tech 24/7 (groan)
+/- Most of the girls have long hair (which makes bread and butter cuts hella easy for me)
+/- According to recent reports from the street scene, hairdressers there are not hip in veggie dye applications. This means $$ for me. Even though I kind of hate veggie dye applications.

And that's really it. Did you notice emphasis I put on the sun? You guys, it is so fucking extra dark in Seattle right now, and so rainy. I am stoked to go east on Saturday. I don't care if it's cold as balls (which, hi global warming, it is not) so long as it is bright. I hate hate hate HATE this weather. It makes me stupidly grumpy. I'm tired of my feet always being cold and I am becoming convinced that those swollen lymph nodes on the back of Niko's head will become magically un-swollen in a drier climate. Speaking of Niko- I think he has his first little cold sore. Bully to me for giving him the herp.

Anyhow. Today I am making the house amazing and clean for our house sitter because we will be gone for about 3 weeks to holiday back East. And Rick is bothering me to come to NYC. Which is so weird to talk about because for some reason going to NYC makes me feel tense. I think it's because I envision an urbanite visit where lots of money I don't have (as of Friday I am FUNemployed) is spent on lots of fancy food and drinks. All I want to do is hang out in kitchens and socialize with people in yoga pants while little cherubs drool on my ankles. NYC. You have been lost on me these days. I will definitely be in DC though, because people hang out in houses there. And Baltimore. And Philly. And Richmond. NYC!!!? My beloved? Am I giving you the shaft? Why is the thought of you stressing me out? Am I afraid you will lure me into spending my last $60 on socks?

What else? I feel like there is so much. I should really write about how Niko is saying all sorts of magical things these days. Like how when I lose my temper and scold him, he asks me when my flare subsides, "Are you happy now, mama? I want you be happy." Or, when he is hyper (which isn't often because he is way more in his mind than in his body), he says, "I FEEL RUNNY!!" About how his new best friend at preschool is a kid he has known since birth (the kids mama and I became friends in birth class). This kid was the bully for the first year they were in school together, and is totally in his body with hyper activity. But now they are in dude love! and teachers tell me that they are ones to watch like a comedy team. Niko is the brains of the operation and comes up with the wicked ideas, and Ellis carries them all out. Hilarious!

Also, it has been so difficult to say goodbye to all my clients at VAIN. All these amazing, intelligent people who have helped shape my understanding of life experiences over the past 5 years. All these clients who trust me, who I don't need to filter myself or audition for any longer. That is extremely hard to leave, you guys. Double booked work weeks and a full time paycheck for only 3 days of work is also hard to leave. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY CAREER FOR MY MARRIAGE????? So much restarting in a business that does not take kindly to restarting. Oi.


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