kellianne: (Default)
Was there something in the air? Last week was so heavy. It started with terrible horrible no good very bad news in the media, every day. I ranted about our fear of female sexuality, fear of culture that is in any way different from yours, abuse, politics, and I looked forward to the end of the week.

My friend's father died and I held my baby a little closer. I reminded my husband (who knows this already, of course) that the only thing truly important was family. He's burning himself out to make success and create security for our little pod of Bensons. I'm burning myself out to be the Best Possible Mom. But, really? Just being happy and joyful together is the most important thing. Enjoying each other is the most important thing in this temporary life.

Buster went on a business trip. I hung out with my wonderful friends in my cold living room. I took my baby for walks. Friday approached, and then the earth quakes happened. I worried about the family I have over there that I haven't yet had the chance to meet (so far they're ok, though I can't imagine that living without heat, electricity, or water in 25 degree weather is in any way simple to get through).

Saturday mostly went by without incident. Niko and I visited the aquarium with friends. Completely overstimulated (even after a 2.5 hour nap), he ate dinner like a toddler that night, willfully squishing sweet potato chunks between his fingers while giving me looks of DESTRUCTION. He screamed to catch my attention and willfully threw his bits of quesadilla on the floor. I was impatient, exhausted, waiting for the week to be over, waiting for my husband to come home and get into our bed.

When Buster finally came home, I was relieved. I served him beans, kale and rice and obsessed over the smell of his neck. We cuddled in bed - and then he told me the terrible news that we have lost a friend forever. I will never be able to understand the place such a beautiful, kind, and amazingly energetic soul could find itself that is so dark and so unforgiving that she would need to go. I will never look at balloons or birds on a wire again without thinking of watching her paint in her little LES apartment, seeing flaws that are beyond my eyes, fixing every imperfection to create a sense of whimsical, simple, beautiful, dream like, order. I am so sad that we are lacking one less truly lovely spirit in our midst.

I thank Goodness every day that I have such a lovely family to hold and to kiss. I thank goodness every day for the roof over our heads and the food for me to prepare in our lovely little kitchen. I thank Goodness every day for the walks that I take with my son, for the hour or so that I have alone with my husband in bed, for the 4 hours in the morning when we are all 3 cuddled like fuzzy sleep monsters into the futon in Niko's room. I thank Goodness every day for the friends popping by with jokes and wine. I thank Goodness for everything. I am so overwhelmed with how layered and beautiful this world is, so overwhelmed with how temporary it really is, and so grateful to still have my hope and happiness in tact.

I am also glad that it is a new week, guys. Because thanking Goodness every second of every day, glimpsing into these illuminating moments of profundity, feeling the whole weight and beauty of this world…. makes me really glad to just get to work on this old Tuesday, AKA... Laundry Day.


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October 2015

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