Come the morning and the day winding like dreams
Come the morning every blue shade of green
Come with me, go places
Come head on, full circle
Our path blocked but sure we'll
Make records, then set them
Make copies, win races
Stay with me, go places
Once more for the ages
Today is Niko's birthday. This morning he woke at 5am and called me into his room. We have been discussing his wake ups, begging him to call Mama or Papa (whoever he wants) when he wakes instead of crying. So he woke this morning and called out sweetly. I went into his room and he smashed his face up against mine, saying, "Hi mama."
We fell back asleep until 7:30, which is no small feat for even a little guy in a blacked out bedroom. As usual, we went to my bed to nurse when we woke. While we did so, I looked up his old ZeroToBaby birth post and told him his birth story while showing him pictures. He was especially enamored with the idea of being in my belly and laughed when I explained (in toddler language) how I pushed him out.
He asked to wear his choo shorts (they are dirty, but whatever), his choo hat (spots of finger paint dotting the rim), the Super Niko cape (he got for his first birthday from Samantha), and his new "woof woof" shirt. We walked to daycare holding muffins, which he was stoked that I made to share with his friends. When he got to daycare, he sat adorably on the couch and said, "Mama? GO."
How did my baby get so big? Just a few months ago he was beside himself every time I left him. Now when his babysitter, Tristan, comes by every Tuesday he can't wait for us to leave so they can continue with their private lives, in their secret language. Probably they sit around watching choo videos on youtube the whole time, who knows?
Anyhow, I've been thinking a lot lately about how- 2 years in- I am finally feeling like the mother me has fully integrated with the me that I was for 34.5 years before becoming a mother. I feel solid on my mother legs. I'm not going to lie... these two years have been rough. They've been hard on my marriage and hard on my confidence. I am pretty sure that I lost about 4,000 hours of sleep, at least. I look older, I feel older, I AM older.
When people (usually expectant first time mothers) ask me if it was all worth it, I can only answer yes. And I mean it. Yes! A good mother is a phoenix rising out of the ashes of her youth. I'm pretty sure that I'm finished burning my old self off, and I'm pretty sure that I'm a good mother.
I love that kid so much. He is all the best parts of me mixed with all the best parts of my husband, and he is fully his own. He is all my favorite dreams mixed with all the best magic. He is hilarious, wonderful, and endearing. He loves choos (trains), hows (cats), busses, dactes (tractors), and his parents. He gets excited about friends and loves it when we have a party. He does a million silly things every day and makes our family feel complete.